Black, Single, and Seeking Motherhood

How I'm going to have modern medicine ice my cake.

It’s a New Dawn, It’s a New Day

There are people in my life who bring nothing to the table but bad news and negativity. This post, however, is dedicated to one person in particular.

Today, I commit to cutting this person out of my life. I will cease all communication. I will work hard to stop the resentment, which is essentially this person living rent-free in my head.

Today, I take steps to not allow this person to continue to hurt me. I don’t need this person to validate that I am a strong woman. Every day that I succeed at my job and live my life well, I will validate my own strength.

Today, I accept that this person isn’t worth my time. I will direct my time towards the people in my life who lift me up.

Today, I move towards replacing my anger towards this person with indifference. I will no longer give this person the power to hurt me.

I trust and believe that every day that I move forward, it will get easier and easier. I need my energy to love the little chunky monkey growing inside of me.

I’m almost in my third trimester. The days are getting harder, but they are worth it when I feel him kick. I’m pretty sure he is facing my spine and it would be nice of him to move or maybe face a different direction. I’m experiencing heartburn and haven’t been eating all that well. I need to up my protein intake to help balance out my blood sugar levels.

I’ll update more on my little guy when the third trimester gets here.

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Bonne Fête à Moi!!!

I am 34 years old today. My birthdays are usually awful days where I am sad and upset about life. Today? It was an amazing birthday.

I’m still so very happy about spending the weekend with my nieces (and the rest of my family). My baby niece has opted to call me by my first name and it doesn’t bother me. She’s quite the character and a pleasure to be around. My eldest niece snuggled with me and that reminded me of the days when she was younger and would be attached at my hip. I have such amazing nieces.

Today, my little Chunky Monkey has been kicking up a storm. I feel so very humbled that I have a life growing inside of me. I couldn’t ask for more on this day. This little guy is more than I could ever ask for. Nothing else matters and no drama or problems can bring me down today. I do wonder what kind of personality he will have or what he will look like. I can’t wait to meet him!

Plus I got to park in the expecting mother parking spot today. SCORE!!

I’m 25w2d today. I hit viability last week. It was a great feeling. He was in the 96th percentile for size and weight at 20w. Chunky Monkey indeed! He’s becoming more active and I can actually see his kicks now. I have 103 days left if I go full term.

I feel good. Not as fatigued as when I was in the first trimester. I have a bit of pelvic pain if I walk for too long, but I’m otherwise very happy. The “girls” are getting quite large. I’m hoping they don’t grow TOO much over the next few months since I don’t want to buy new bras.

I still haven’t decided on a name, but I have 3 months to figure it out. I have decided on a theme for the nursery. I’m going with an arctic theme, but not sure how this will come together. I have some ideas, though. I have either received or bought a bulk of what I need. Only thing left to get is a glider and the stroller. I have the stroller picked out, but the glider is proving to be a challenge. The colours are all ugly.

I wonder if I will start nesting soon…

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20w update

My head is all over the place. This post won’t be very coherent.

I’m a mess today. I’m lying in bed and have been crying on and off. I feel incredibly vulnerable and can’t put my finger on what’s bothering me. It’s likely a combination of a lot of things. I want some cheesecake.

I feel very overwhelmed and know that I need to escape. Away from everybody. I need to go off the grid and find some inner peace. Just me and Baby.

I see my OB again in two weeks. I truly hope she gives me the ok to travel. At some point I will provide a more coherent update of the last few weeks.

I’ve considered counseling. Just to have someone help me dig deep and pinpoint the issue. I don’t want to attribute today’s breakdown to Baby Blues. I love Baby more than anything and Baby is my anchor right now.

I’m sorry this is so all over the place. I wish I could bury this in a small jar of nutella. I’m an emotional eater. Except my mother is here and I don’t need to be reminded about my weight. Apparently being pregnant is an opening for people to fat shame me in the name of the baby.

My situation is also one for people to make me feel incompetent by reminding me that I know nothing about babies or children. Maybe I an destined for failure? I hate that people keep serving guessing everything I do. Especially my mother. Apparently I’m not qualified enough to decide whether or not I want to keep a certain purse. Among other things.

Sigh.

Enough of that. I had my anatomy scan today. My Baby is so difficult and uncooperative. It’s adorable. Baby was moving around and in the most awkward position. I expected as much. It’s how my Baby behaves when on display. It was beautiful to see the little heart beating. Those adorable feet and hands. Perfection in my eyes! I will admit to laughing at Baby’s alien face. It’s the ultrasound. They all look like aliens apparently. The appointment was so long because Baby wasn’t cooperating but I loved it. Well, except for the part where they sent me for a walk and I got lost in the hospital. As I do!

The best part of the appointment? The end when I got to find out the sex/gender. I could have done a dramatic and artistic reveal, but I’m just not in the mood. I’m sorry.

So what’s the story?

BABY IS A BOY!!

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Ramblings at 16w3d

The countdown is on to my anatomy ultrasound. It will be May 20th. I hope Little Bean (who I now refer to as Baby since s/he is the size of an avocado apparently) is cooperative and opens up those adorable legs! I’m anxious to know if I am having a boy or a girl. I see my new OB on May 6th, so I’m excited to see how that turns out.

I’m starting to truly embrace being pregnant. I’m not as scared as I was at the beginning of my pregnancy. I know it isn’t over as yet, but I’m starting to really get into this.

I took my nipple piercings out. Goodness they look SO messed up. After I’m done breastfeeding (if I can), I intend to pierce them again to distract from how weird they look.

I told my dad that I am pregnant and it went better than I expected. He had his concerns and I can respect that. I’m his youngest daughter. When my mom talked to him the next day, he had apparently forgotten. Seriously. So she had to nudge him a bit and he just said “OH YEAH!” He has told my uncle so the news is out. My dad loves being a grandpa so he will adore the new baby. It will warm my heart to be able to see my dad playing with my child. I think my mom will start telling her family once we know the gender/sex.

When I went to visit my dad over Easter, he seemed shocked at the idea that I drive and do things. He asked me “aren’t you supposed to be pregnant?” Apparently being pregnant means being incapacitated. My mom lamented that he didn’t have such a protective attitude any of the times that she was pregnant.

I told my eldest niece who was as excited as a moody pre-teen can be. She is one of my favourite little people and I want her to help me pick names. I won’t let anybody else in on this process except for her. She does mean that much to me and I’m sad that we aren’t as close as we used to be. When she was younger, her love gave me the strength to pull through some hard times.

Oh! I officially bought my first baby items! Some hats, mits, socks and onesies. I know I will get a lot of gifts, but these will be special. At least I hope I remember to have them be special!

One of the things I’ve noticed is that I have a visible baby bump when I stand up. When I sit down, my belly is just pudgy. Apparently this is one of the woes of being fluffy and pregnant. :)

I was talking to my Work Mother today who was surprised that I have kept this largely a secret for so long. She isn’t my work mother for nothing and asked me to think about something: what is stopping me from telling people? I’m a very private person and I’m not looking forward to people being intrusive and asking about my personal life. Keep it about Baby and we’re fine. Ask me about how it happened and I start to get uncomfortable. This is definitely something to think about.

I did tell two colleagues today. The first went the route of asking about the HOW. The second (and I love her to death) didn’t ask for personal details, but instead focused on how I was feeling and just being happy for me. I need more reactions like that.

Life is good otherwise. I’m having some round ligament pains, but I think I will start going for a massage to ease that torture. I listen to Baby’s heartbeat on my Doppler and it such a wonderful sound to hear. Baby tends to stay low and left, so I can find the heartbeat quickly and easily. It blows my mind that I’m going to be a mother. I also can’t explain how much I love Baby.

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The Evolution of Bean

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14w6d – Update

So much to discuss!

Little Bean

My Little Bean is doing great! I heard the heartbeat when I went to the doctor on Thursday. Strong and fantastic! I bought a Doppler of my own. It’s encouraging to hear the heartbeat nice and strong. It’s mind-blowing that I have a baby inside of me. Growing and doing baby things. I had an ultrasound today (more on that later) and baby was resting. Apparently since I hadn’t eaten, baby wasn’t hyper and moving around. I had an ultrasound yesterday (more on that later) and baby decided to turn his/her back and not play along. Oh how I love this Little Bean. It is so incredibly humbling to go through this experience. I’m starting to feel flutters, which is my nectarine sized Little Bean moving about inside of me.

Friends

I shared my pregnancy with my White Twin. I was really nervous because I know that her and her ex-husband had tried unsuccessfully to conceive and she was unsuccessful. I was worried about how she would feel about finding out that I’m pregnant given her struggles. Due to her health issues, she will never be able to carry a child and here I am pregnant. I was slim on the details, but she was so kind and supportive that I felt loved. I think my White Twin is someone that I want to have in the delivery room with me. Uncle Drama thinks he will be there, but I just don’t like his attitude about the whole thing. Lesson to the world: don’t tell your pregnant friend that you want to be in the delivery room just so you can see her suffering.

Work

Less than 2 work weeks until I’m free! I’m so excited to work in a job where my health and well-being are important to management. I’m a bit nervous that I won’t be able to handle it, but I just need to make it through a few more months. On Friday, I had two people offer me jobs! It’s nice to know that I’m hot sh*t! :p

My Health

Well. What a weekend. I’ve had some odd brown discharge for the past week. Then my urine was pink. That was enough alarm bells for me to go to the ER at 2AM on Saturday morning because I was awake. Getting adequate care is hard here. After a long night at the ER, the doctor confirmed that there was indeed blood in my urine and that the odd discharge seemed to be coming from my cervix. The labs confirmed that the brown discharge was blood. No Bueno! I was booked in for an ultrasound this morning (Sunday). They also did a transvaginal ultrasound so they could see the placenta and my cervix. When I met with the ER doctor later to go over the results, she said that the cause of the bleeding was posterior placenta previa. It could resolve itself, but if it doesn’t, it will mean that I will have to deliver via C-section. I need to pay attention to my energy levels and if the bleeding increases. My hemoglobin is already low and this could cause it to get lower. No wonder I’m always so darn tired! My OB (whom I see on May 6) will likely send me for multiple ultrasounds to monitor the placenta. In the meantime, I need to really take it easy to make sure that I don’t trigger any bleeding. In spite of all this, my Little Bean is okay and that’s what truly matters to me.

I also have a little baby bump! WHOA! It’s pretty awesome. I’m not even trying to hide it. The joy of being a full figured woman is that most people just think I’m getting a gut. So I don’t have to hide it. My inside joke with myself is that I’m hiding my pregnancy in plain sight.

I had a case of the sneezes today. I dealt with it all day (miserably), but when I started to pee every time I sneezed, which was constantly, I decided to go to the pharmacy for something to help. I haven’t taken anything but my daily meds so far. The sneezing was out of control. I bought some Benadryl and it knocked me out, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

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Sharing the News

With the exception of one person, I’ve told all of the people that I feel need to know. I’m delighted to be pregnant, but I’m keeping it a secret because that’s how I want to handle my pregnancy.

So who is that one person? My Daddy. At 14w, I still can’t find the courage to share the news with him. I’m not sure why I’m so scared. My dad loves his two granddaughters. He will love my Little Bean to bits. I have no doubt about that.

My dad’s opinion of me matters a lot. More than anybody else’s opinion of me. I always want him to be proud of me and I know that he is. I have a great career, my own home, my own car, two adorable cats. I’ve done well and he knows that all the sacrifices he made when I was growing up were worth it. He didn’t work long hours to keep a roof over my head for nothing. As he enjoys his retirement, I know he’s proud of me and I’m proud of him. I have the best Daddy in the world!

(I’m starting to cry)

I don’t want him to be ashamed of me. I want him to understand that my circumstance is one that I can handle. That my Little Bean means everything to me. That one of the happiest moments I will likely ever have with him is seeing him hold my Bean for the first time. The idea of that brings joy to my heart.

So why can’t I tell him? Why can’t the words “Daddy, I’m pregnant” come out of my mouth? I think I’m concerned about how to explain my circumstance. My mother understands and supports me 100%. I’m very much like her in that we are both very strong and independent women. My dad will likely wonder how I can do this. Heck, I wonder at times. He will wonder about my circumstance. It is what it is.

I will do it eventually. Until then, I’m working on finding my strength.

Pregnancy update: Dairy and I can’t be friends anymore. It causes EXTREME bloating and discomfort. I had my monthly bleed on Friday. Right on time! It didn’t bother me anymore. I was WAY too bothered by the bloating and constipation to fuss about some spotting. My stomach is shrinking. I can’t eat nearly as much as I used to. This is definitely good since it will help control my weight gain! My first OB appointment is on May 6th. I see my GP next week where I will ask her to send in a request for my anatomy scan (aka boy or girl ultrasound). I saw Dr. Sugar last week who advised that I passed my first GD screening with flying colours. I have to repeat it at 20W. Until then, I’m going to stay on metformin since it seems to be working for me. That’s it!

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12w1d – Little Bean

I forgot to attach this to the earlier post, but I want to show off my Little Bean.

When I pass my fridge and see the picture, I’m so humbled and in love.

I always refer to Bean as a ‘he’. I simply cannot call my Bean an ‘it’. If Bean is a girl, I will adjust. :)

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This Isn’t THAT Easy

Note: This post is me being relatively unhappy. If you don’t want to read about me complaining, you should maybe skip this post.

I am overwhelmed. For a number of reasons, but I won’t share them all here. I may need to create a separate blog for some of those issues.

Being pregnant has been physically easy for me. The fatigue is a bit of a b*tch, but for the most part, this has been physically easy. Emotionally? This is unlike anything that I have ever known. The fear of loss and miscarriage doesn’t seem to go away.

We spend so much time just trying to GET pregnant that I really felt emotionally unprepared for BEING pregnant. I have about 6 months to go and I’m so scared.

One of the girls in my online due date found out at her NT scan that her baby had died. Another one had cramping this weekend and miscarried. One of my close friends miscarried on Monday. It’s EVERYWHERE and it’s scary. I want to be supportive, but at the same time, I want to hide away and not hear about all of these things. It’s scary. This is my first time being pregnant and I’m having a really hard time handling things like this.

I should be delighted and overwhelmed, instead I’ve made the decision to continue to hide my pregnancy. I’ve told those closest to me, but that’s about it. Most of them don’t even understand. I find myself being very irritated. I hate the words “preggers” and “preggo” and will snap at anybody who uses them. I am getting irritated by childless by choice people trying to usurp my pregnancy. I have a friend who wants to visit in May. My mother is coming in May and I need my mother much more than I need her. There are all these people who want to share the news and it’s like they don’t understand that it isn’t THEIR news to share.

I just want to be happy and relax and I’m finding it so hard. I spend most of today in bed. I spend a lot of time in bed. I dread going back to work tomorrow, but maybe it will help me get my mind off all of this.

I know people say that if they get pregnant, they will be happy as ever and enjoy every minute. Ya… Good luck with that one.

I’m going to pray for strength, comfort and guidance tonight. God has come through for me in the past when I’ve needed guidance.

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Appointments, Appointments

I truly can’t put into words how tired I am. In a perfect world, I would sleep all day. Except sleeping comes with dreaming and my dreams have been all over the place. From hot and heavy to downright scary. Eeep!

Friday (March 20)

I’m not sure exactly how pregnant I am, but I will know for sure on Tuesday when I have my next ultrasound for the nuchal translucency (NT) scan. I’m more concerned with a heartbeat than I am with the results of the NT scan.

So Thursday (yesterday), I met with the internist who is going to monitor me for gestational diabetes and put a preventive treatment plan in place. I think we will call him Dr Sugar (my blog, my rules!). He explained that the lovely display of acanthosis nigricans on my chest is because all the estrogen in my system because of the pregnancy are causing me to be insulin resistant. I will follow up with him in two weeks. He did say that it’s perfectly safe to stay on metformin for my entire pregnancy and so that will be something that I do.

I’m doing blood work today (Friday) to check my A1c levels and I’m doing the glucose tolerance test. The orange drink they make you drink isn’t THAT bad. It tastes like that McDonald’s orange bowl. I have an hour to kill before I meet with the nutritionist. Hopefully she will know something about something… I wish they had beds in the waiting room. I’m tired.

I met with the nutritionist and can admit that I left overwhelmed and near tears. I don’t have gestational diabetes (yet), but the meal plan I have to follow was just so overwhelming. That, coupled with the constant blood sugar testing? It was all too much for me. I know it isn’t the end of the world, but it was still overwhelming.

Tuesday (March 25)

I had my NT scan this morning. I went in absolutely terrified. One of my close friends found out that she miscarried yesterday. It’s really hard to be relaxed when you’re surrounded by loss. More on this later.

The hospital was surprisingly on time. I went in, lowered my pants and the first tech (student) checked my cervix. I honestly wanted to see the heartbeat, but I could be patient. When I saw the heartbeat, I was so relieved and felt so blessed to see my little one alive and well. The second tech was a bit rougher and maybe she was pressing too hard, but it was obvious that my Little Bean was not happy because s/he kept jumping and moving around. Ultimately, the tech took the measurement and it was 1.2, which is really good! The CRL was 5.7cm, which goes with being 12w1d and a due date of October 6th.

I had an appointment with the Quebec OB, where she made some recommendations. She suggested that some of my recurring blood results could be a sign that I’m a carrier of the sickle cell trait. I will ask Dr. Sugar to look into this. There were some other things, but I can’t remember them. I will have them for my next appointment with Dr. Sugar on the 3rd. She did my pap and said she would call me if there were any abnormalities. She suspects that I have BV because of the amount of discharge, but apparently that’s very common in pregnancy. I’ve had BV before and it usually comes with the funkiest of smells, which I don’t have right now. I’ll wait for the culture results before moving forward with treatment. I don’t want to expose Little Bean to anything unnecessarily, especially since this isn’t my typical experience with it.

I got to hear Little Bean’s heartbeat and it was so lovely. I’d seen the heartbeat earlier, but this was definitely lovely. :)

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