Black, Single, and Seeking Motherhood

How I'm going to have modern medicine ice my cake.

The Evolution of Bean

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14w6d – Update

So much to discuss!

Little Bean

My Little Bean is doing great! I heard the heartbeat when I went to the doctor on Thursday. Strong and fantastic! I bought a Doppler of my own. It’s encouraging to hear the heartbeat nice and strong. It’s mind-blowing that I have a baby inside of me. Growing and doing baby things. I had an ultrasound today (more on that later) and baby was resting. Apparently since I hadn’t eaten, baby wasn’t hyper and moving around. I had an ultrasound yesterday (more on that later) and baby decided to turn his/her back and not play along. Oh how I love this Little Bean. It is so incredibly humbling to go through this experience. I’m starting to feel flutters, which is my nectarine sized Little Bean moving about inside of me.

Friends

I shared my pregnancy with my White Twin. I was really nervous because I know that her and her ex-husband had tried unsuccessfully to conceive and she was unsuccessful. I was worried about how she would feel about finding out that I’m pregnant given her struggles. Due to her health issues, she will never be able to carry a child and here I am pregnant. I was slim on the details, but she was so kind and supportive that I felt loved. I think my White Twin is someone that I want to have in the delivery room with me. Uncle Drama thinks he will be there, but I just don’t like his attitude about the whole thing. Lesson to the world: don’t tell your pregnant friend that you want to be in the delivery room just so you can see her suffering.

Work

Less than 2 work weeks until I’m free! I’m so excited to work in a job where my health and well-being are important to management. I’m a bit nervous that I won’t be able to handle it, but I just need to make it through a few more months. On Friday, I had two people offer me jobs! It’s nice to know that I’m hot sh*t! :p

My Health

Well. What a weekend. I’ve had some odd brown discharge for the past week. Then my urine was pink. That was enough alarm bells for me to go to the ER at 2AM on Saturday morning because I was awake. Getting adequate care is hard here. After a long night at the ER, the doctor confirmed that there was indeed blood in my urine and that the odd discharge seemed to be coming from my cervix. The labs confirmed that the brown discharge was blood. No Bueno! I was booked in for an ultrasound this morning (Sunday). They also did a transvaginal ultrasound so they could see the placenta and my cervix. When I met with the ER doctor later to go over the results, she said that the cause of the bleeding was posterior placenta previa. It could resolve itself, but if it doesn’t, it will mean that I will have to deliver via C-section. I need to pay attention to my energy levels and if the bleeding increases. My hemoglobin is already low and this could cause it to get lower. No wonder I’m always so darn tired! My OB (whom I see on May 6) will likely send me for multiple ultrasounds to monitor the placenta. In the meantime, I need to really take it easy to make sure that I don’t trigger any bleeding. In spite of all this, my Little Bean is okay and that’s what truly matters to me.

I also have a little baby bump! WHOA! It’s pretty awesome. I’m not even trying to hide it. The joy of being a full figured woman is that most people just think I’m getting a gut. So I don’t have to hide it. My inside joke with myself is that I’m hiding my pregnancy in plain sight.

I had a case of the sneezes today. I dealt with it all day (miserably), but when I started to pee every time I sneezed, which was constantly, I decided to go to the pharmacy for something to help. I haven’t taken anything but my daily meds so far. The sneezing was out of control. I bought some Benadryl and it knocked me out, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

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Sharing the News

With the exception of one person, I’ve told all of the people that I feel need to know. I’m delighted to be pregnant, but I’m keeping it a secret because that’s how I want to handle my pregnancy.

So who is that one person? My Daddy. At 14w, I still can’t find the courage to share the news with him. I’m not sure why I’m so scared. My dad loves his two granddaughters. He will love my Little Bean to bits. I have no doubt about that.

My dad’s opinion of me matters a lot. More than anybody else’s opinion of me. I always want him to be proud of me and I know that he is. I have a great career, my own home, my own car, two adorable cats. I’ve done well and he knows that all the sacrifices he made when I was growing up were worth it. He didn’t work long hours to keep a roof over my head for nothing. As he enjoys his retirement, I know he’s proud of me and I’m proud of him. I have the best Daddy in the world!

(I’m starting to cry)

I don’t want him to be ashamed of me. I want him to understand that my circumstance is one that I can handle. That my Little Bean means everything to me. That one of the happiest moments I will likely ever have with him is seeing him hold my Bean for the first time. The idea of that brings joy to my heart.

So why can’t I tell him? Why can’t the words “Daddy, I’m pregnant” come out of my mouth? I think I’m concerned about how to explain my circumstance. My mother understands and supports me 100%. I’m very much like her in that we are both very strong and independent women. My dad will likely wonder how I can do this. Heck, I wonder at times. He will wonder about my circumstance. It is what it is.

I will do it eventually. Until then, I’m working on finding my strength.

Pregnancy update: Dairy and I can’t be friends anymore. It causes EXTREME bloating and discomfort. I had my monthly bleed on Friday. Right on time! It didn’t bother me anymore. I was WAY too bothered by the bloating and constipation to fuss about some spotting. My stomach is shrinking. I can’t eat nearly as much as I used to. This is definitely good since it will help control my weight gain! My first OB appointment is on May 6th. I see my GP next week where I will ask her to send in a request for my anatomy scan (aka boy or girl ultrasound). I saw Dr. Sugar last week who advised that I passed my first GD screening with flying colours. I have to repeat it at 20W. Until then, I’m going to stay on metformin since it seems to be working for me. That’s it!

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12w1d – Little Bean

I forgot to attach this to the earlier post, but I want to show off my Little Bean.

When I pass my fridge and see the picture, I’m so humbled and in love.

I always refer to Bean as a ‘he’. I simply cannot call my Bean an ‘it’. If Bean is a girl, I will adjust. :)

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This Isn’t THAT Easy

Note: This post is me being relatively unhappy. If you don’t want to read about me complaining, you should maybe skip this post.

I am overwhelmed. For a number of reasons, but I won’t share them all here. I may need to create a separate blog for some of those issues.

Being pregnant has been physically easy for me. The fatigue is a bit of a b*tch, but for the most part, this has been physically easy. Emotionally? This is unlike anything that I have ever known. The fear of loss and miscarriage doesn’t seem to go away.

We spend so much time just trying to GET pregnant that I really felt emotionally unprepared for BEING pregnant. I have about 6 months to go and I’m so scared.

One of the girls in my online due date found out at her NT scan that her baby had died. Another one had cramping this weekend and miscarried. One of my close friends miscarried on Monday. It’s EVERYWHERE and it’s scary. I want to be supportive, but at the same time, I want to hide away and not hear about all of these things. It’s scary. This is my first time being pregnant and I’m having a really hard time handling things like this.

I should be delighted and overwhelmed, instead I’ve made the decision to continue to hide my pregnancy. I’ve told those closest to me, but that’s about it. Most of them don’t even understand. I find myself being very irritated. I hate the words “preggers” and “preggo” and will snap at anybody who uses them. I am getting irritated by childless by choice people trying to usurp my pregnancy. I have a friend who wants to visit in May. My mother is coming in May and I need my mother much more than I need her. There are all these people who want to share the news and it’s like they don’t understand that it isn’t THEIR news to share.

I just want to be happy and relax and I’m finding it so hard. I spend most of today in bed. I spend a lot of time in bed. I dread going back to work tomorrow, but maybe it will help me get my mind off all of this.

I know people say that if they get pregnant, they will be happy as ever and enjoy every minute. Ya… Good luck with that one.

I’m going to pray for strength, comfort and guidance tonight. God has come through for me in the past when I’ve needed guidance.

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Appointments, Appointments

I truly can’t put into words how tired I am. In a perfect world, I would sleep all day. Except sleeping comes with dreaming and my dreams have been all over the place. From hot and heavy to downright scary. Eeep!

Friday (March 20)

I’m not sure exactly how pregnant I am, but I will know for sure on Tuesday when I have my next ultrasound for the nuchal translucency (NT) scan. I’m more concerned with a heartbeat than I am with the results of the NT scan.

So Thursday (yesterday), I met with the internist who is going to monitor me for gestational diabetes and put a preventive treatment plan in place. I think we will call him Dr Sugar (my blog, my rules!). He explained that the lovely display of acanthosis nigricans on my chest is because all the estrogen in my system because of the pregnancy are causing me to be insulin resistant. I will follow up with him in two weeks. He did say that it’s perfectly safe to stay on metformin for my entire pregnancy and so that will be something that I do.

I’m doing blood work today (Friday) to check my A1c levels and I’m doing the glucose tolerance test. The orange drink they make you drink isn’t THAT bad. It tastes like that McDonald’s orange bowl. I have an hour to kill before I meet with the nutritionist. Hopefully she will know something about something… I wish they had beds in the waiting room. I’m tired.

I met with the nutritionist and can admit that I left overwhelmed and near tears. I don’t have gestational diabetes (yet), but the meal plan I have to follow was just so overwhelming. That, coupled with the constant blood sugar testing? It was all too much for me. I know it isn’t the end of the world, but it was still overwhelming.

Tuesday (March 25)

I had my NT scan this morning. I went in absolutely terrified. One of my close friends found out that she miscarried yesterday. It’s really hard to be relaxed when you’re surrounded by loss. More on this later.

The hospital was surprisingly on time. I went in, lowered my pants and the first tech (student) checked my cervix. I honestly wanted to see the heartbeat, but I could be patient. When I saw the heartbeat, I was so relieved and felt so blessed to see my little one alive and well. The second tech was a bit rougher and maybe she was pressing too hard, but it was obvious that my Little Bean was not happy because s/he kept jumping and moving around. Ultimately, the tech took the measurement and it was 1.2, which is really good! The CRL was 5.7cm, which goes with being 12w1d and a due date of October 6th.

I had an appointment with the Quebec OB, where she made some recommendations. She suggested that some of my recurring blood results could be a sign that I’m a carrier of the sickle cell trait. I will ask Dr. Sugar to look into this. There were some other things, but I can’t remember them. I will have them for my next appointment with Dr. Sugar on the 3rd. She did my pap and said she would call me if there were any abnormalities. She suspects that I have BV because of the amount of discharge, but apparently that’s very common in pregnancy. I’ve had BV before and it usually comes with the funkiest of smells, which I don’t have right now. I’ll wait for the culture results before moving forward with treatment. I don’t want to expose Little Bean to anything unnecessarily, especially since this isn’t my typical experience with it.

I got to hear Little Bean’s heartbeat and it was so lovely. I’d seen the heartbeat earlier, but this was definitely lovely. :)

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I’m More Pregnant

What does that mean? Let’s take a step back.

I had my first OB appointment on Monday. I first met with the nurse – very nice lady. She asked me 101 questions and weighed me. UGH. Apparently this weighing thing is going to happen all the time. How depressing. I wonder if this will end up being like when I was on that program where they weigh you at meetings? I ended up barely eating the day of the weighing. OR, I could just eat healthier. LOL!

Back to the visit. There were so many forms to fill out and so many questions. I seem to keep forgetting that I’m on synthroid. I always forget to mention it. I mentioned the bleeding that I had last week and she seemed perplexed, but reassured me that closed cervix is a very good thing.

Then I waited some more to see the doctor. She looks very young. VERY young. We shall call her Dr. Youth She was nice and broke it down for me.

1) She was concerned that my blood sugar is a bigger issue than we know it to be, but it’s hard to tell because the metformin keeps it under control. Except once I stop the metformin, I could very well be diabetic. EEEP. So once I stop, I will do a fasting glucose to see what it REALLY is. She thought I should stop the metformin now and I told her that I’m not stopping until the end of the first trimester because Dr. Curly said so. She said it didn’t really make a difference and I didn’t really care.

2) She wanted me to start on baby aspirin to prevent pre-eclampsia. I have a few risk factors for it (weight, blood sugar). Although she was baffled that my blood pressure was SO low. I’ve had a few health professionals ask me if I’m dizzy after they take it. Baby aspirin can thin the blood and given my recent bleeding, she knew that more bleeding as a result of that would make me nervous. We decided I would start once I got out of the first trimester, since it needs to be started before 16 weeks to be effective.

3) I pretty much can’t gain any weight this pregnancy. Like none. She will refer me to a nutritionist who will work with me throughout my pregnancy to stay on track.

4) She was going to do a pap test, but opted to wait a bit to let my cervix rest after the bleeding incident.

5) Speaking of that bleeding incident, she has no idea why it happened. Cervix being closed is a good thing, but said it could just be one of those “normal” things that occur in pregnancy.

6) She gave me a prescription for diclectin and some antacid. My nausea hasn’t been THAT bad, although it was a little uncomfortable today. It’s nothing that I can’t handle, but I will keep it in my back pocket in case it gets worse.

7) She advised to stay on folic acid until 14 weeks. Not a problem.

8) She put a LOT of pressure on me to decide whether I want to deliver in Quebec or Ontario. If I choose Ontario, she won’t follow me since she doesn’t have hospital rights in Ontario. I was very open and said that my concern was the language issue. Yes, I speak French, but in the middle of labour, it’s not going to be my top priority to speak French and I prefer to handle my health issues in English. She reassured me that the doctor will definitely speak English, but I know from my SIL’s deliveries that the doctor shows up for the last hour and you spend the bulk of the time with the nurse. I don’t want to be pressed for care because my nurse can’t communicate well in English. I’ve moved up my appointment with my family doctor to discuss the bleeding and the concerns raised by Dr. Youth about this potentially being a high risk pregnancy (pre-eclampsia risk and thyroid issues). If she agrees, I will ask her to refer me to an OB in Ontario who will accept patients from Quebec.

Now, aside from the language issue. The hospitals aren’t even comparable. The one in Ontario is new and has a lot of private rooms and is very comfortable. It has great reviews. The one in Quebec? Not so much. It needs updating and they are very aware of that. It’s a long term plan, though.

So that’s what we talked about. The interesting thing was my new due date. She considered the results of my ultrasound at 8w5d (I was measuring 9w1d) and decided to base my due date on the ultrasound rather than my last menstrual period. So I went from being 9w4d on Monday to 10w. The only good part about that is that I finish the first trimester a few days earlier. Personally, I will go off the ultrasound I had on Friday which had me at 9w3d.** Either way, I’m 10w today. I have my nuchal translucency ultrasound 2 weeks from today and it should be interesting. I’m excited to see the heartbeat again! As for the results of the ultrasound, I’m not overly worried about it. I’ll deal with whatever comes up WHEN it comes up. I have my next appointment with Dr. Youth that same day. She said that by week 12, we should be able to hear Bean’s heartbeat on the Doppler. Speaking of Doppler, I want one.

So that’s it for now. I’ll know more on the 25th when I have my next ultrasound. In the meantime, I’m just going to enjoy being pregnant!

**The fact that the Bean only grew the equivalent of 2 days in the 3-day period between my ultrasound last Tuesday and the one that I had when bleeding kind of concerned me. However, I’m choosing to believe that everything is fine and that’s that.

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To My Little Bean

I want you to know how much I love you. You are such a blessing and I’m humbled to have you on board (literally).

I’m so excited to share my life with you and for you to experience the world.

There’s just one thing. I’m going to need you to stop scaring me over the next 7 months.

With love,

Mummy

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Panic

This will be short. Today I started to bleed. No idea why. I went to the hospital and that was a waste of time. I ended up begging for an appointment at the ultrasound clinic. Bean is measuring 9w3d and same heartbeat as before. Bean was moving around but maybe because he didn’t like the ultrasound? His heartbeat was clear from the abdominal ultrasound so that’s apparently good.

After the transvaginal ultrasound, there were clots. Needless to say that was not reassuring for me to see. I’m still spotting a bit, but it’s only when I wipe.

I know I have very little control at this point. I’m on self imposed bed rest and my scheduled appointment with my OB is on Monday. I anticipate going back to the hospital again this weekend. Maybe my blood work is off? The OB wouldn’t be able to action that immediately while the hospital would. Not the same hospital as today. That was a gong show and I should have known better.

I can really only hope for the best, but I’m scared. I don’t have any major cramping, so hopefully that’s a good sign.

I’m all over the place. It seems like I just can’t be excited. As I write this, I realise that waiting for Monday isn’t the best idea. I don’t need another ultrasound, but I want my blood work checked. When I wake up, I will go. I will definitely refuse another transvaginal ultrasound.

I miss my mother so much and wish she were here with me.

All I can do is pray for my bean and for strength.

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8w5d – Ultrasound Update

Note: I’m writing Part 1 of this post on Sunday, March 2 (8w3d). I will post this on Tuesday, March 4 (8w5d) because by then I will have had my follow-up ultrasound. Not sure why I’m waiting, probably because I’m being cautiously optimistic and not getting ahead of myself.

Part 1 (8w3d)

I read an amazing blog post yesterday written by Elisha who recently followed my blog. It hit the spot and I feel like it deserves a shout out. I’ve been guilty of not being very optimistic about things and I was probably setting myself up for failure in doing that. Power of positive thinking! I tell myself that I’m managing my emotions, but is that what it really was? Who knows? Either way, I need to speak positivity about this pregnancy so things will go well. I say it every day that I was blessed with this pregnancy. My Little Bean is a blessing! I pray that I will have a successful pregnancy, but also for the strength to deal with whatever happens if it isn’t God’s will.

My symptoms have been up and down. I have a food belly that I like to pretend is a bump. But it’s just a food belly! LOL! Oh well. I like it. My boobs are bigger and the skin on my face has suddenly become SUPER sensitive. I get a bit of nausea from time to time, but nothing uncontrollable. I don’t have the “runs” anymore, but I think the fact that I started taking a probiotic made a HUGE difference. I have had no spotting and I’m very thankful for that. I can’t tell if my nipples are getting darker, but I do see a peak of a linea nigra (although it’s possible it was always there…).

I love yoga pants and anything with a stretchy waist. My evil button up pants are killing me. Once I get past my ultrasound on Tuesday, I’m going to start walking about 20 minutes per day. I’ve been resting a lot, but mainly out of fear of harming Little Bean. I just need the reassurance from the ultrasound to put me at ease. It would be great to have a baby measure about 8w5d with a strong heartbeat.

I’m slowly starting to embrace the idea and get excited about it. I won’t start taking belly pics until after my ultrasound, though. CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC! LOL!!

I was mucking around with this Chinese predictor that predicts the sex of the baby. Apparently I’m going to have a boy. I know it’s silly, but it was still fun. My gut says “boy” as well, but I would be happy with anything right now. Beggars can’t be choosers.

Part 2 (8w5d)

I LOVE transvaginal ultrasounds. Abdominal ultrasound are sadistic. I have never had to pee so badly!

Anyhoo, after waiting for 10 minutes while the woman ahead of me took forever to book an appointment, I finally got up to the counter. The receptionist knows me and called the tech right away because it was obvious I was uncomfortable. I got in the room and was about to drop my pants when she said to keep them on. Eh? Two years of fertility treatments and this is the first time my pants got to stay on! I guess I shaved my legs for nothing…

The gel was surprisingly and pleasantly warm. She started to press down on my tummy and I swear I was going to pee. All of that was forgotten when I saw my Little Bean on the screen! My Little Bean is not so little!! S/he was measuring at 9w1d (!!!) and had a heartbeat between 168 and 175. So about 3 days big. I almost cried when I saw the flickering heartbeat on the screen! As if I’m pregnant!!!

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I had crackers on my desk at work today and a coworker asked about them. I said I was coming down with something and I swear she knows because her face gave it all away! Either way, I said nothing. Only my work mom and my soon to be new boss know on the work front.

I’m over the moon right now. All I can do is pray that I make it past the first trimester. According to this site, my odds of a miscarriage are low. Not 0, but low. Oh my Big Little Bean!

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